Funny quotes to cheer someone up

250 Funny quotes to cheer someone up

1. “I’m on the seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
2. “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”
3. “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!”
4. “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.”
5. “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”
6. “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.”
7. “Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.”
8. “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
9. “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
10. “I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
11. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
12. “I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
13. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
14. “If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.”
15. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
16. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
17. “I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a salary.”
18. “Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.”
19. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
20. “I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.”
21. “I’m not old; I’m just well-seasoned.”
22. “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”
23. “I’m not short; I’m just more down to earth than most people.”
24. “I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
25. “Do I run? Yes, out of time, patience, and money.”
26. “I used to be young and stupid. Now, I’m no longer young.”
27. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
28. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are still under construction.”
29. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
30. “I put the ‘elusive’ in ‘reclusive.'”
31. “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
32. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
33. “I’d tell you a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.”
34. “I’m not a chef, but I can make instant noodles like a pro.”
35. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.”
36. “I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.”
37. “Don’t worry, I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.”
38. “I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”
39. “I used to be cool, but then my allergies kicked in.”
40. “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.”
41. “I’m not a morning person. I’m not an afternoon person. I’m a ‘you’ll be lucky to see me at all’ person.”
42. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
43. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.”
44. “I’m not aging; I’m marinating.”
45. “The closest I’ve been to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history.”
46. “I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.”
47. “I’m not overweight; I’m just undertall.”
48. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
49. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right in a way that makes you realize you’re wrong.”
50. “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me.”
51. “I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.”
52. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
53. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
54. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
55. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
56. “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
57. “I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
58. “I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
59. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
60. “If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.”
61. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
62. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
63. “I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a salary.”
64. “Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.”
65. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
66. “I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.”
67. “I’m not old; I’m just well-seasoned.”
68. “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”
69. “I’m not short; I’m just more down to earth than most people.”
70. “I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
71. “Do I run? Yes, out of time, patience, and money.”
72. “I used to be young and stupid. Now, I’m no longer young.”
73. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
74. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are still under construction.”
75. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
76. “I put the ‘elusive’ in ‘reclusive.'”
77. “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
78. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
79. “I’d tell you a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.”
80. “I’m not a chef, but I can make instant noodles like a pro.”
81. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.”
82. “I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.”
83. “Don’t worry, I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.”
84. “I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”
85. “I used to be cool, but then my allergies kicked in.”
86. “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.”
87. “I’m not a morning person. I’m not an afternoon person. I’m a ‘you’ll be lucky to see me at all’ person.”
88. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
89. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.”
90. “I’m not aging; I’m marinating.”
91. “The closest I’ve been to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history.”
92. “I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.”
93. “I’m not overweight; I’m just undertall.”
94. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
95. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right in a way that makes you realize you’re wrong.”
96. “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me.”
97. “I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.”
98. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
99. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
100. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
101. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
102. “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
103. “I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
104. “I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
105. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
106. “If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.”
107. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
108. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
109. “I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a salary.”
110. “Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.”
111. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
112. “I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.”
113. “I’m not old; I’m just well-seasoned.”
114. “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”
115. “I’m not short; I’m just more down to earth than most people.”
116. “I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
117. “Do I run? Yes, out of time, patience, and money.”
118. “I used to be young and stupid. Now, I’m no longer young.”
119. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
120. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are still under construction.”
121. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
122. “I put the ‘elusive’ in ‘reclusive.'”
123. “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
124. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
125. “I’d tell you a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.”
126. “I’m not a chef, but I can make instant noodles like a pro.”
127. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.”
128. “I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.”
129. “Don’t worry, I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.”
130. “I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-saving mode.”
131. “I’m not a complete idiot; there are some missing pieces.”
132. “The road to success is always under construction.”
133. “I’m not short; I’m fun-sized.”
134. “I’m not a night owl; I’m a late-night snacker.”
135. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
136. “I’m not bossy; I just know what you should be doing.”
137. “I’m not disorganized; I’m just creatively messy.”
138. “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.”
139. “I’m not a photographer, but I can picture us together.”
140. “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
141. “I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
142. “I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
143. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are still under construction.”
144. “If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.”
145. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
146. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
147. “I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a salary.”
148. “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”
149. “I’m not old; I’m just retro.”
150. “I’m not short; I’m just more down to earth than most people.”
151. “I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
152. “Do I run? Yes, out of time, patience, and money.”
153. “I used to be young and stupid. Now, I’m no longer young.”
154. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
155. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are still under construction.”
156. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
157. “I put the ‘elusive’ in ‘reclusive.'”
158. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.”
159. “I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.”
160. “Don’t worry, I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.”
161. “I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-saving mode.”
162. “I’m not a complete idiot; there are some missing pieces.”
163. “The road to success is always under construction.”
164. “I’m not short; I’m fun-sized.”
165. “I’m not a night owl; I’m a late-night snacker.”
166. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
167. “I’m not bossy; I just know what you should be doing.”
168. “I’m not disorganized; I’m just creatively messy.”
169. “I’m not lazy; I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”
170. “I used to be cool, but then my allergies kicked in.”
171. “I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.”
172. “I’m not a morning person. I’m not an afternoon person. I’m a ‘you’ll be lucky to see me at all’ person.”
173. “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
174. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.”
175. “I’m not aging; I’m marinating.”
176. “The closest I’ve been to a diet is erasing food searches from my browser history.”
177. “I don’t need an inspirational quote. I need coffee.”
178. “I’m not overweight; I’m just undertall.”
179. “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
180. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right in a way that makes you realize you’re wrong.”
181. “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop irritating me.”
182. “I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.”
183. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
184. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
185. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
186. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
187. “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
188. “I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
189. “I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
190. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
191. “If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.”
192. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
193. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
194. “I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a salary.”
195. “Why did the bicycle fall over? Because it was two-tired.”
196. “When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.”
197. “I used to be indecisive. Now, I’m not so sure.”
198. “I’m not old; I’m just well-seasoned.”
199. “Age is merely the number of years the world has been enjoying you.”
200. “I’m not short; I’m just more down to earth than most people.”
201. “I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
202. “Do I run? Yes, out of time, patience, and money.”
203. “I used to be young and stupid. Now, I’m no longer young.”
204. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
205. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are still under construction.”
206. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
207. “I put the ‘elusive’ in ‘reclusive.'”
208. “If you can’t convince them, confuse them.”
209. “I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.”
210. “I’d tell you a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.”
211. “I’m not a chef, but I can make instant noodles like a pro.”
212. “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I was supposed to do.”
213. “I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.”
214. “Don’t worry, I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.”
215. “I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-saving mode.”
216. “I’m not a complete idiot; there are some missing pieces.”
217. “The road to success is always under construction.”
218. “I’m not short; I’m fun-sized.”
219. “I’m not a night owl; I’m a late-night snacker.”
220. “I’m not arguing; I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
221. “I’m not bossy; I just know what you should be doing.”
222. “I’m not disorganized; I’m just creatively messy.”
223. “I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.”
224. “I’m not a photographer, but I can picture us together.”
225. “I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.”
226. “I’m not lazy; I’m just on energy-saving mode.”
227. “I’m not clumsy; the floor just hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.”
228. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are still under construction.”
229. “If you see someone without a smile, give them one of yours.”
230. “A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.”
231. “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
232. “I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted a salary.”
233. “Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.”
234. “I’m not old; I’m just retro.”
235. “I’m not short; I’m just more down to earth than most people.”
236. “I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
237. “Do I run? Yes, out of time, patience, and money.”
238. “I used to be young and stupid. Now, I’m no longer young.”
239. “I’d agree with you but then we’d both be wrong.”
240. “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are still under construction.”
241. “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
242. “I put the ‘elusive’ in ‘reclusive.'”
243. “If at first, you don’t succeed, then skydiving is not for you.”
244. “I haven’t lost my mind; it’s backed up on a hard drive somewhere.”
245. “Don’t worry, I’m not crazy; my reality is just different from yours.”
246. “I’m not lazy; I’m just in energy-saving mode.”
247. “I’m not a complete idiot; there are some missing pieces.”
248. “The road to success is always under construction.”
249. “I’m not short; I’m fun-sized.”
250. “I’m not a night owl; I’m a late-night snacker.”